Gag Reel
by LavenderNight67
Summary: Originally meant to be a oneshot for another fic collection, this developed into something more. Just a prank war between two Hunters. One of whom is the Hunter Vangaurd. I think Kalara is in more more than she bargained for. (rated K for light swearing)
1. 1 Airhorn'd

Author's Notes:

This just randomly popped into my head one day, as a 'what if' sort of thing, then it ..blossomed? expanded? anyway, this is what it turned into. Just a couple friends having a prank war. And yes, April Fools day is my favorite holiday next to Christmas.

I want to say this takes place right after "Thunder and Lightning", but I'm not sure. I haven't really plotted out my timeline that far, but I do know it takes place before "The Dare". I think. Maybe right after. That would make more sense. but I haven't posted that one yet. It's being written though.

Summary: Lavender and Kalara behaving badly leads to a prank war. But not with each other.

"Shhh!" Kalara shushed her giggling 'partner in crime' as the duo crept stealthily towards the Hall of the Vangaurd, stealth camo humming quietly to conceal them. Kalara gave her airhorn another good shake, just to be sure the aerosol would have enough pressure. The object was basically a cone-shape attached to a small canister of pressurised gas. When the top was pressed it would release the gas, creating a deafening momotone sound. It was something she'd had custom-made, not for this pupose specifically, but for training sessions, since the noise could be heard all the way across a crucible arena. That and it came in handy for interrupting those rookie arguments when they just ignored her.

The two crept toward their intended target muffling their giggles. The Hunter Vangaurd, Cayde-6, was so engrossed in leafing through the papers in his hands, he didn't notice the two near-invisible figures come up behind him.

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Kalara stifled another snicker and pressed the top of the can

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"YEE-AAH!"

Papers flew in every direction and the duo smartly ducked in opposite directions as Cayde whirled, hand cannon in hand.

Unfortunately for the pair, he wasn't the only one they'd startled.

Ikora had a handful of void energy and was searching the room very carefully for her target. the commander had backed up a little, eyes darting around the room. Kalara's gleeful confidence suddenly vanished when his gaze settled on her. "Oh no."

"Baxtin!"

"Quick! run!" Both hunters bolted from the room before anything else could be said. A bolt of void energy nipped at their heels as the two fled. Behind them, Lavender could be heard yelling "How the heck could he see us!"

"I don't know, but don't stop running!"

"Is he behind us!"

"I DON'T KNOW DON'T STOP!"

Lord Shaxx laughed and yelled "Run faster Dreg bait!"

The pair ran out to the plaza and jumped the fence at the edge. A second or two later, they reappeared behind Eververse. Kalara leaned over and rested her hands on her knees to catch her breath.

"Whew!" Lavender whooshed, leaning against the building. Kalara peeered around it as Lavender asked "Did he follow?"

"Nope."

Lavender turned her back to the building and slid down it to sit on the ground. "We're gonna be in a lotta trouble, aren't we?"

Kalara just joined her, still grinning. "Yeah." she paused then added "But it was SO worth it!"


	2. Popup Suprise

Evenings in the tower usually were quiet. It was around Eight P.M. and Kalara glanced over at her mentor's console. as usual at this time of the evening, Cayde would be pouring over the days reports, training stats of the newest rookies, and things like that. He'd also added a playlist of some music to the console to give him something to listen to.

Kalara nearly snickered. This was perfect. The audio feed from the console was a direct linkup so only he could hear it. Kalara checked the time again, and thought to herself 'Three more minutes.'

She had volunteered to stay late just to spring this particular prank on him. The minutes crawled by, and Kalara was pretending to be going over the information on her own console, but was really watching his.

There was no warning. Suddenly Cayde's screen went from a bright white background with rows and rows of writing to a spooky near-black background with a positively demonic face that leapt at the screen with a guttural roar.

"WRAAAH!"

"Nyaaah!" Cayde let out a startled cry and leapt back from the console. Kalara had to cover her mouth to muffle her laughter.

"what the Hell!?"

She leaned on the table. She couldn't hold it in.  
"Hm-hm-hm-hm." she had to cough to cover it, shoulders shaking, grinning from ear to ear. When the Exo looked back at his console, the video had dissapeared, and the sceen displayed the same writing as before.

Ikora looked over worriedly. "Something wrong, Cayde?"

"Uhh.." He gingerly reached out and tapped it. Nothing. "Nope, I'm fine. Heh. Just a little glitch." He thought twice. "On the console." He gave Kalara a look, who was still grinning like a Chesire cat.

He shook his head at her. After a minute the Hunter leaned over and whispered "You think your pranks are funny, don't you?"

Kalara flicked a glance at him. "Mm-hmm." she typed a little more "And you just keep falling for 'em." That made him pause. She wasn't the first Hunter who had a thing for pranks. Or so he suspected. Her next words confirmed it. "And I just love a good prank."

"be careful what you wish for."

Kalara actually stopped typing and looked straight at him. was that a challenge? After a moment, she went back to typing. there were a thousand things she could say to that, but she just hoped if Cayde did decide to get her back it would be something harmless.

Finally, she asked "Is that a challenge?"

His smirk answered for him. "You wouldn't be the first person to try to play a prank on me, you know."

More typing, then "Other rookies?"

and a long silence. It stretched on and Kalara suddenly realised it *wasn't* a rookie who had. "No way, really?"

Another long silence, then Kalara lowered her voice and hesitantly whispered "Andal?"

Her guess had been right. Cayde all but froze. Memories that had been pushed away came flooding back. Memories of a friend, a mentor. Not pushed away for what they were, but for how those memories had ended. But, better to remember the good than the bad, right?

The Exo flicked a glance at her. Should he tell her? He figured she could keep a secret. She *had* found his journal and kept that a secret. Well, it was in the speaker's library. So she technically "borrowed" it. Permanently.

Kalara waited, wondering if she had gone too far. She thought 'I shouldn't have pried like that.' and was about to apologise when the Hunter looked back over at her, a smile forming. Then he nodded and started to tell the story.

"He used to stand here, right on this spot, he'd come up with these wild stories. He'd say "You know, Cayde, I've been examining the evidence, and personally I've come to think it's you. You're Rasputin, legendary Warmind, defender of Earth. And I wish you'd remember that so you could reclaim your full power and save us all."

kalara's jaw dropped open. In the background, Ikora chuckled quietly. Zavala rolled his eyes.

"You can see how that'd be embarassing, especially when he'd say it right in front of Zavala, who allready thought I was wasting my time scrounging for engrams. You know how he gets."

the two ignored a glance from said Awoken.

Kalara chuckled. "wow. I mean WOW. That had to be super-embarassing."

"Yeah." Cayde continued. "So then I'd just say "Well, Andal, might be onto something there, but if I'm honest with you I think coordinating our defense throughout the solar system sounds exhausting, so I'd best leave it to you."

Kalara laughed. "Wow. He *really* got you." she shook her head.

Another smile, then "Yeah. So if you want pranks, you'd better be prepared for what you're stepping into." She could allready see that glint of mischief creeping into his gaze.

She thought for a second, then took a more confident stance. "Okay, but if we're gonna do this, I want some ground rules. One, nothing dangerous. Two, nothing humiliating or crude, and no damaging of anyone's property. Deal?"

Ikora inserted "What are you two up to now?"

both heads swiveled and Kalara beat him to it "Nothing." she got a skeptical look and Cayde put in "nothing, really." The look didn't waver, but the Warlock returned her focus to her book.

Cayde gave the impression of a grin before offering a hand. "Deal."

Kalara shook it, grinning. "watch your back."

"Oh, I will you're the one who should be worried."

"Hah. dream on."

And Kalara saved her files, closed her monitor, and walked out for the night. 


	3. Jovian Mud-Crawlers

The next morning Kalara arrived at the tower plaza to find a blinking square over the postmaster's kiosk. Curious, she went over to find out what mail she had today. The frame there searched around, then set a plain white box on the counter. "Package for the Hunter Vangaurd. To be delivered immediately."

Besides being rookie-trainer, and assistant, she had become cayde's go-fer as of late. She grabbed the package, left her thumbprint to sign for it, and was off to start her morning. She couldn't help but glance this way and that. after having started a 'prank war', she had to be on her toes. Thankfully, there was no 'suprise confetti' or other startling suprises on the way to the Hall of the Vangaurd, so she settled in, setting up her monitor for the day.

"Oh, by the way, you got a package." she set it on the table in front of him. Cayde glanced to his right at her briefly, obviously allready focused on a mission one of the Hunters were already in. He slid it back over "So open it."

Kalara read the label.

Arms aquisition 04:33:01 content list enclosed 0343-791

She guessed it was a city address, so she unsealed the lid and opened it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAIII!"

The Huntress shrieked and jumped back, away from the box full of shuffling, eight-legged clicking insectoids. She paused half a second then realised they were starting to climb out of the box before rocketing forward to slam the box shut.

Cayde laughed "You should have seen your face! Oh man, that was just *so* awesome!"

Kalara glared. "You *know* I'm terrified of spiders!"

Then she realised the creepy little things were scraping against the top of the box. she could feel them moving around under her hand. Then the mandibles of one punctured the thin paper lid. Right under her hand.

"eeEEEEK!"

She jumped back just in time to see one escaped it's paper prison and leap right at her. She screeched as it made contact with her chest armor and start to climb. "It's on me, isn't it? get it off GET IT OFF!"

Cayde sighed and set a tablet on top of the box so no more would escape, then nonchalantly walked over and plucked the escaped insectoid from her armor. It was solid black, with a segmented insectoid body much like a terran spider, but much larger. About two inches in length. The foremost legs, slender in comparison to the back, were about the same length. And chillingly spiderlike. The back pair of legs were slightly thicker on the part that met the body, and just slightly longer, held lightly bent while the other six were straight.

Cayde had it in his open palm now, and Kalara eyed it warily. "One, they're not spiders. They're Jovian mud-crawlers. Two, They don't..." before he could finish his sentence, the little black.. thing jumped and Kalara suddenly realised why those legs were shaped that way.

It headed straight for her head this time, and she froze, halfway out of shock, halfway out of fear. It landed neatly on her lower left cheek. She glared. If she said anything or moved her jaw, would it bite her?

Cayde cooly regaurded the terrified Huntress for a second before walking over and plucking it off. "Two, they don't bite."

The reply was pancake-flat "Really."

He pried open the front of the box long enough to poke the creature through, and poke back another one that was trying to escape as well.

"They're completely harmless." he shrugged like it was no big deal. Kalara walked over and scooted the box back towards him. "Yeah, and you can take your *Venusian* Mud-crawlers back where they belong. I'm not dealing with them if they escape and go everywhere. And I'm sure as hell not letting 'em run around the Tower!"

Cayde was still grinning. He gave a satisfied sigh "Ah, your face."

Kalara pointed, silently glaring."

"alright, alright. I'll be right back." she passed him and went to his monitor, still muttering. "Stupid Venus. Stupid mud-spiders."

she wondered if they really were as harmless as he had said. Either way, they were creepy enough she didn't want to find out.


	4. Smile!

Kalara jogged down the steps towards Cayde, a smile on her face. He didn't look up, so the huntress clapped a hand on his back, praying he didn't notice the rustling of paper. "Mornin' boss!"

The Exo finished what he was doing. "Hey, just the person I wanted to see..." He turned to face her "I have a new mission for you.." Zavala suddenly huffed then cleared his throat. Cayde stopped mid-sentence and turned to give him a look. He knew that was the Titan's equivalent to a laugh.

Ikora muffled a giggle. Cayde though for a second then reached around behind him, trying to reach the part of his cloak Kalara had touched. Finally he grabbed the edge and pulled it around to fish off the adhesive paper she had stuck to him. On the square peice of white paper, a giant smiley face had hastily been drawn.

Cayde gave Kalara a flat look. "Really? what are you, five?" Kalara chuckled. Cayde crumpled up the paper and tossed it on the table. "Now then, I need for you to go run a couple of patrols in the cosmodrone." Kalara wilted slightly. She hated those. "They won't take too long, these are the coordinates." Kalara took the datapad and walked out.

A few minutes later, Kalara, Xanthyr, and Saniya were on the outskirts of the cosmodrone. Xanthyr looked around. "Okay guys, let's sparrow up and head on out." Kalara was the first to summon her sparrow. She stared. Saniya giggled "polka-dots?"

Kalara's sparrow had been painted with small pink and purple dots. She stared. Then she hit her comm. "Polka-dots? Really?"

Cayde sounded smug. "And I hope you like your new horn, too."

Kalara gingerly mounted her sparrow, reaching for the horn "EErpEerp-EerpEerp". The equivalent of a "clown horn." Xanthyr burst into laughter. He pointed, laughing harder. Then lost grip on his sparrow "Woah-" THUD. Kalara rolled her eyes. Cayde noted over the comm "Well at least somebody likes my handiwork."

Kalara wanted to ask if her boyfriend was okay after falling off his sparrow, but replied "Yeah. Xanthyr just laughed himself off his sparrow." She shook her head. "Come on, guys. Let's just get this over with. 


	5. Foam'd

Kalara snickered from her perch in the command room rafters. Directly below her, Cayde-6, the Hunter Vangaurd, was monitoring a group of Gaurdians out on patrol. Kalara leaned out from the beam and reached out to hold her hand under the fire sensor. She had personally hacked the system to ensure no shrill alarms would sound. After the incident with the airhorn, she felt bad about disturbing the work of the other two leaders in the room. Her prank-war was with Cayde, not everyone else.

She summoned a tiny orb of solar energy. Aside from a few flashing lights, there was no warning as fire-retardent foam shot from the fire supression system, coating Cayde, his console, and the closest portion of his map. His ghost attempted to shake off the grey-colored stuff, but to no avail.

Cayde froze. Ikora stared in utter suprise, then started laughing.

Zavala rolled his eyes but otherwise ignored it.

Kalara guffawed from above. Then she lost her grip.

"Aack!"

THUD.

She lifted herself from the slippery foamy floor and brushed some of the foam from her armor before it could harden.

From the pillar-o-foam, Cayde's voice sounded "I'm guessing you're still upset about those Jovian mud-crawlers, then."

Kalara laughed. And pointed. Then decided to leave before anyone could complain.

that night, Kalara was whistling merrily as she made her way to her quarters. Nobody had complained about the foam, and it hadn't hardened to the point where her boss couldn't move, so he just shook it off. She swiped the keycard to her door and pressed the button to open it.

She stared, slack-jawed.

Her entire apartment was coated with dull glistening grey-colored fire retardent foam.

"I'm gonna KILL him!"

Eight in the morning the next morning, Kalara Baxtin stomped into the command room. Cayde glanced over "Sleep well?"

"You..." she couldn't even find the words. From the end of the table, Ikora asked "what did he do?"

She glared "I don't know how you did it but.." she shook her head then turned to Ikora "He somehow found a way to make the fire supression system coat my *entire* apartment with fire-retardant foam!"

Cayde gave the impression of a grin. "You wanted a prank war, so you got a prank war."

Kalara wasn't really that upset, but just enough to give the exo an earful. "One, I was up half the night cleaning that stuff up, secondly, it *ruined* my favorite comforter. We weren't supposed to get destructive with this."

He sounded sincere when he said "Oh. Sorry." Then added in a lighter tone "But hey, on the bright side of this, at least you weren't *in* your apartment when the supression system went off." Kalara turned and stomped back out.

"Hey wait, where are you going?"

"To finish cleaning my apartment!"

He watched her go, the muttered "Cayde one, rookie zippo."

Ikora shook her head at him. "Really, Cayde?"

"what? she wanted to do this. Andit's a nice distraction from having to stand here all day. Every. Day." 


	6. Coup de Grace

Lavender glanced around as she followed Kalara through the halls of the Tower's habitation levels. Kalara counted as they went. "29.. 30.. 31.. 32. Here it is." Lavender whispered "How do you know where he lives?"

Kalara gave her "partner in crime" a mischevious smile. "You remember those rumors a while back?"

"Yeah? Wait, are they true?"

Kalara scrunched up her nose. "No. Of course not. We had a few too many drinks at the bar and ended up back here. Nothing happened." she shook her head in an 'I can't believe you thought that' way. She typed in the security code and paused, listening for any signs of movement inside. Lavender leaned in "You're sure he's asleep?"

"Yes. Defgragmenting.. or something. Trust me, the Tower could be falling apart around us and he wouldn't even know it." She hit the access button and the door slid open. The apartment lights were dimmed, and Kalara crept in, searching for any signs of alarms. She summoned her ghost. "Oberon?"

"I still can't believe you are doing this." her Ghost muttered as it floated around, scanning for laser sensors or any other detection systems. "No sensors or detection systems in this part of the apartment." Her Ghost floated back to her. "Thank you." Kalara's ghost dissapeared. Kalara looked over her shoulder at Lavender. "Stay here. If anything happens, bolt. Or go to orbit." The other hunter nodded.

Kalara dissapeared in the dirction of the bedroom and slowly turned the doorhandle. Sure enough, her boss, Cayde-6, was asleep. Kalara crept forward. "You asked for it..."

Lavender was starting to get really really nervous. This was a bad idea. They could get in a LOT of trouble, just for breaking into someone's quarters, nevertheless a member of the Vangaurd! why had she agreed to this in the first place!?

After what seemed like an eternity, Kalara reappeared, holding a black and red-colored cloak. "Okay. So where do we hide it?"

Lavender shook her head "I dunno, but we better be fast about it. I don't like this." Kalara nodded and set the Hunter's cloak on the couch, carefully folding it. Then she grinned. Kalara lifted one couch cushion, the left one, wrinkled up her nose, then went to the center one. "Ah." finding it was cleaner under that one than the other, she set the cloak down and carefully replaced the cushion on top of it. "let's go!" Both hunters bolted from the apartment.

The next morning, Kalara practically jogged to the lift, comming Lavender "you there?" on the other end of the line, Lavender sighed "Yes. I'm in the Plaza, waiting on you." Kalara chuckled and waited for the lift to take her to the Plaza. Once there, she found Lavender leaning against the railing to the steps. Kalara bounced up, just full of anticipation. Lavender shook her head.

Kalara grinned "I just need a witness for this. Lavender came back with "Yeah, to you getting kicked out of the Tower."

"Oh calm down, he can't do that. I think." Kalara suddenly had a bad feeling. Maybe she had crossed a line? They passed the crucible tables and Arcite, Lord Shaxx's frame said "Cayde said he wanted to speak to you. Doesn't sound happy." they continued on and Kalara noticed the Hunter Vangaurd. He was wearing a dark blue colored camoflauge-print cloak. He noticed the pair as soon as they reached the door.

Kalara walked up, Lavender stayed at a distance. Kalara smirked "You look good in blue." Cayde turned to her, and she suddenly noticed he was *not* smiling. He started, voice low "You got a lotta nerve." Kalara gulped. She nervously replied "Well, you wanted a prank war?"

He was mad. She winced when he all but yelled "So you stole Andal's cloak!?"

Kalara winced, putting her hands up. Oh crap. One hand was on his hand cannon. He was *really* mad. As in 'I will shoot you if I don't get that cloak back right this second' mad. She lowered her eyes, backed up, lowering her voice. "I would never... I didn't steal it!" She could *feel* the anger coursing through him. "I hid it."

"Where!"

"It's in your apartment."

"WHERE!?"

She winced again, glancing up at him. "It's under your center couch cushion."

Cayde strode around her, pausing to turn and order "You'd better be here when I get back!" and strode out of the command room. Kalara slowly went over to his console, then after a moment, glanced left, then back at the console to ignore the glare she got. She glanced right and Ikora shook her head at the Hunter. Lavender walked up. "W.O.W. That was... He was really mad." Kalara nodded. "Yeah, but he really ticked me off when he ruined my favorite comforter. And about half of my pillows."

Lavender nodded. After a minute, Kalara smiled slightly, trying to ignore her heart pounding in her chest. "That was a pretty good one, though. And I made sure I was careful with it."

A few minutes later, Cayde reappeared, wearing his usual cloak, having found it right where Kalara had put it. She moved aside to let him take his usual place and they stood there in silence. After a few minutes, Kalara looked at the table. "I'm sorry."

"You crossed a line."

"I was *very* careful with it."

Another long silence. Then "Do you want to call it off?"

"What?"

"the prank war."

He paused then turned to her "Well if you're gonna start messing with my stuff that is over the line. I don't want you -or anyone- even touching my stuff. Ever."

Kalara paused, trying to determine whether her mentor was still angry with her. She finally smiled and asked "Okay. So, how about replacing my comforter."

"Is that what this is about?"

"No, but I'm guessing you can't come up with anything to top mine."

Another silence.

Then Zavala rolled his eyes. "Enough. I'm putting an end to this. Both of you have been acting like children ever since this senseless 'prank war' began. And I do not ever want to hear another exchange of words like I just did again." He looked from one Hunter to the other. Kalara muttered "Yes sir."

after a minute, Kalara glanced over to Cayde, lowering her voice. "Admit it, I won."

"You know, I still have those Cosmodrome patrols that need done. And Lunar patrols. And there's always mars. And Venus."

Kalara groaned.

-  
End Notes: I got halfway through writing this when I realised just how cheesed off cayde would be if anyone messed with his beloved cloak. And for those not familiar with the lore, that cloak belonged to his predecessor, Andal Brask, who he was very close to. So, yeah. I tried to end it on a humorous note. That was extremely difficult, though, considering.


End file.
